Keys to Power: Playing with No
“No!”
How do those two little letters make you feel?
Rejected?
Speechless?
Embarrassed?
Many students starting with The Asking Practice find that they've only written things they know they would get a yes to.
But here at The Academy, advanced students learn not only not fear “no,” but to seek it out as the place from where we can begin exploring new landscapes in all areas of our lives.
Why?
Because they know that “no” isn’t a door slam. It’s an invitation. An opportunity.
Here's the thing: if we only ask for the things we feel we could get a yes to, we never have a chance to explore new territory. Sadly, the world is a big resounding no to many of the things that are important to most women. So if we want to change the world, we're going to have to transform some 'no's into yes.
Playing with 'no' is a revolutionary key to power I want every woman on earth to master and the Rigged No exercise will help retrain your body to remain in a dominant state of attention when making a difficult ask.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A PERSON HEARS NO
One of the most common things that happens when we hear a no, is what I call:
THE FREEZE
When a person makes a request, they are holding the other person in their attention.
When the other person says 'no,' the person making the request snaps back into themselves and energetically drops the other person. Ouch!
When this happens, disconnection between these two people is 100% guaranteed.
WHEN RESISTANCE IS GOOD AND NO IS ENCOURAGED
People don’t tend to say ‘no’ without good reason. Resistance always points to a place of intimacy.
In this way, we can understand that getting curious about someone’s resistance – what lies behind their ‘no’ – is the gateway to intimacy and connection.
When you begin moving towards a place of resistance, not crushing it, not running from it, but getting curious about it, you can begin discovering things about someone else that they didn’t know about themselves. You can begin awakening parts of themselves that have gone numb.
The potential for connection and influence is huge.
ASSIGNMENT: THE RIGGED NO
Step One: Ask someone you trust to volunteer for this exercise.
"I'm doing an exercise to explore how my body reacts when I make a request and hear the word 'no.'
Here’s how it’s going to work: I'm going to ask you for something. It may be something I actually want or it may be something totally imaginary. No matter what I ask for and no matter how much you want to say yes, you're going to say 'no.'
And then you're going to sit there silently. Afterwards, I may ask you one or two more questions."
Step Two: You are going to ask them a request, preferably a vulnerable request, and they are going to say “no.”
Take a moment to pause and feel what happens to your body.
Step Three: After you hear “no,” make a follow up ask: “how did it feel that I asked you that?”
Take a moment to pause and feel what happens to your body.
Step Four: Follow it up with a smaller ask.
Take a moment to pause and feel what happens to your body.