QUESTION

Dear Kasia,

I recently started dating again after being married for 20 years (my husband remarried last year).

I meet guys, but I'm afraid that if I kiss them or let things go too far physically, I'll have to sleep with them. 

I'm not ready for that. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Back In The Saddle (Not Quite Ready To Ride)

ANSWER

Dear Back In The Saddle,

Congratulations on getting back into the dating game, and thanks for asking this question!

There are two different ways to let your date know that you need to move slowly.

Your first option is to be upfront. Before things get sexy, you start by saying, "I'm really interested in you. I'm excited to be here with you. One thing you should know is I might not be ready to sleep with you for a little while." Have that conversation before you get anywhere near a moment where he could make a move or things could get romantic.

The second option is more universally useful in a way, because sometimes we don't know ahead of time. Sometimes we are having a great time and find ourselves suddenly in the mood for romance. When things are going great and get super heated, we'll often find ourselves in a situation where we perceive that we're no longer allowed to refuse sex–it's inevitable, whether we want it or not.

This is a common experience. In the heat of the moment, it can be really difficult to be able to say, "Hey, wait. Hold up. I don't know that I want to go any further." 

This is a moment where you can feel obligated, put on the spot and afraid of ruining something. This is a moment that can silence a woman, that can make a woman feel shut down, paralyzed, and have her end up doing things she doesn't want to do, then wind up carrying resentment about it–either towards the other person and towards herself.

In a moment like that, it can be really helpful to use something we call the Location Tool, which I teach in depth in the Verbal Self-Defense Dojo.

To use the Location Tool, use this sentence as a model: "It seems like __________. Is that true?"

In this case, it might sound really sexy, like: "It seems like you really want to have sex with me tonight. Is that true?" Or "It seems like you really want to spend the night here. Is that true?"

Once you're speaking and the silence has been broken, the topic is now out on the table and it's easy to say how you feel or ask another question, like: "It seems like you might want to take this further tonight than I do. Do you think that's true? It seems like you might not notice the moment where I pull away and misunderstand. I would love to slow down. This has been great."

Then you can check in again using the same Location Tool. Look at them and say what you see, like: "It seems like you weren't prepared for that. It seems like you're disappointed. Is that true? I want you to know I'm having a great time. This has nothing to do with how I feel about you, it's more about how fast or slow I feel like going at this point in my life."

Everything you say afterwards will end up being so much easier to access once you've made that initial statement.

I hope this helps!

Yours in power and passion,

Kasia