The Bittersweet Victory of The Independent Woman
The Bittersweet Victory of The Independent Woman
There is a mythos that is especially true in America, a nation known for its uncompromising individualism.
It's the John Wayne, lone cowboy story.
It's the Self-Made Man.
It’s the Independent Woman.
I want to point to the absurdity of this individualistic way of thinking, not because I don't believe in individual will, destiny and agency, but rather because I believe that the way we tell that story contains a big and dangerous lie, a lie that gets us all into trouble.
A lie that especially hurts women who strive to be independent.
Independent Woman – The Good Girl 2.0
The Independent Woman has beautiful origins. Women used to be property, now we can own property; that’s better.
But as we move from noun to verb, we’re doing so without many of the invisible structures of support that men have relied on for centuries (like wives).
In the 1980s, the words on the lips of every sitcom heroine and Cosmopolitan magazine cover were: You can have it all! With “having it all” came the expectation that a woman could break free of the limiting Good Girl archetype of meek and modest support figure to become the central protagonist of her own life.
The Independent Woman was at last free to do everything a man could: climb the corporate ladder, maintain solid relationships and a hot sex life, whilst still finding time to travel, enjoy hobbies, and look and feel her best – effortlessly.
But the Good Girl did not go so easy. The victory of the Independent Woman is bittersweet: in order to have it all, she’s doing it all. And she’s doing it all by herself.
The Independent Woman brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan. No, she doesn’t ask for help; she doesn’t need it! She’s got this—and if she doesn’t, she’s a wizard at MacGyvering what she needs out of a paperclip and yesterday’s leftover coffee grinds.
She may be CEO, but she doesn’t ask for a team large enough to support her. She may be the breadwinner, but she doesn’t ask her partner to pick up the slack at home.
The Independent Woman might feel more powerful than an old-school Good Girl, but she’s running on empty and resentful as hell. She'll cut back on sleep and totally eliminate self-care, and she may reach her dreams – but at tremendous personal cost. She is perennially deprived, exhausted, under-nurtured, undernourished, and never ever gets the opportunity to surrender, receive, be loved and cared for.
And when she’s doing it all so she can have it all, is she really as masterful as she would be if she could ask for the resources and support she needs?
That is why, here at The Academy, when it comes to teaching power to women we begin with asking. (Get your first three lessons on asking powerfully for free here.)
The Independent Woman has beautiful origins. Women used to be property, now we can own property; that’s better.
But as we move from noun to verb, we’re doing so without many of the invisible structures of support that men have relied on for centuries (like wives).
In short, our societal structures have really let the modern woman down. The Independent Woman is the Good Girl on steroids, doubling down on her responsibilities even as they exponentially increase and working a secret extra 40-hour work week entirely of invisible labor.
Power is not an outcome of independence – power is relational
I truly believe, as a woman who was raised by one, and who has spent the last seven years training thousands of them, that the Independent Woman is a cultural heroine, evidence of women’s graceful flexibility, tremendous stamina and range. I’d never dream of asking her to relinquish her hard-won autonomy.
But the truth is that nobody ever achieves anything big or meaningful alone. The overemphasis on independence as a virtue is dangerous, because it downplays the ugly reality of isolation and hides the beauty of the true collaborative process that makes anything great happen.
Power is relational. You are powerful when you have powerful relationships and can steer them in the best possible way.
Thus a powerful woman is not independent in the absolute sense – her power of creation comes from all of the relationships and allies she has at her disposal, and her ability to ask them to collaborate on fulfilling her vision.
Let’s take money for example. Have you ever been proud to feel that you're making money independently? That feeling can be really strengthening. It can also be an incredible inhibitor to collaboration, to negotiation, to asking, or to any kind of fruitful money conversation.
The truth is, you can’t make money by yourself. Whether you have a job, you’re self-employed or you’re an investor, you’ve made money as a result of strong relationships with others.
Money is relational. Power is relational. The more powerful relationships you have, the more money you stand to make.
Yet, in the paradigm of the Independent Woman and the Self-Made Man, relationships are transactional and tit for tat, reciprocity is a law, and asking for something makes you look weak and puts you into debt with the other person.
It’s no wonder the Independent Woman is reluctant to ask. The good news is that you can create a powerful, supportive community without sacrificing any of your autonomy.
When the Independent Woman is doing it all so she can have it all, is she really as masterful as she would be if she could ask for the resources and support she needs?
From Independent Woman to Powerful Woman
Think of community as a creative act.
For those wishing to embark on this journey to strengthen your networks and balance your relationships, I suggest a simple exercise.
Begin with a community map.
The first thing is to place your name in the center of a page, and all around start writing the names of all of the people you can think of, until you run out of space. These aren't people that you need to only love or cherish. There are people you know, period.
After you fill the page...
Mark the ones you feel unexpressed gratitude towards.
Mark the ones you have something unresolved with.
Mark the ones who inspire you.
Mark the ones in whose presence you feel totally at ease.
It doesn't matter how many people fall into the same categories.
From there, the choice is yours:
Consider expressing gratitude to those who you have gratitude towards.
Consider acknowledging the lack of resolution in some relationships that are marked unresolved.
Consider telling the people who inspire you that they do.
And consider sharing your dreams and desires, fears and concerns with those who feel most comfortable around, making sure that they know that they are people you trust deeply.
If you want to take it to the next level, look at your community map and see if there are any people who need to know each other – some natural synergy that you’ve picked amongst those who could support, or simply enchant each other.
The third is to look for common themes or desires, based on your own, and start a group, whether it's a single Zoom dinner party or a regular group based on realizing the thing you wish to create in your life.
The most phenomenal support and the kind that comes most quickly usually comes first from people who are not in your inner circle, but acquaintances and friends of friends. They are more eager to define their support as a foundation of a stronger relationship with you.
Your existing inner circle are more fixed in how they behave with you and how they see you so, somewhat surprisingly, they are best invited after you’ve already built some of your support from people a little further out from the center of your world.
Here’s one of the more invisible but no less deadly outcomes of the bittersweet victory of the Independent Woman:
The expectation that we have to do it all in order to have it all – or have anything, even the littlest crumb – can put our truth in a coma.
When we’re doing it all by ourselves – without collaboration, without support, without others nourishing and inspiring and energizing us – we can lose connection to our most authentic desires.
When we mistake isolation for independence, not only do we limit ourselves to a tiny sliver of the human experience, but we also fail to give people who care about us the opportunity to contribute to our lives in the creative ways that only they know.
Your community map doesn’t just break the conditioned isolation that encourages us to see others as competition, it reminds you that all the resources, love and beauty you could ever want are right there in front of you.
The more you strengthen these relationships, the more you'll be able to create.
The more you ask, the more you’ll be able to connect.
If you want to change anything in your life, create anything in your life, the ability to enlist others and create support for yourself is indispensable.
And for those who wish to stretch their imaginations, build strong relationships and start taking steps to making powerful asks, sign up for Influence 101.
The greatest obstacle that comes between a woman and the things she most wants in life is the prohibition against desire and asking.
Influence 101: Liberating your Desire and the Power to Ask is an online course taught by Kasia Urbaniak.
With over 60 videos and 30 practical assignments, Influence 101 is the starting point for all study at The Academy.